Having flashbacks~

Where do I begin? As you all know, I’ve lost quite a bit of weight since being Banded. My last fill was in December 2008, however, I’ve been living the Bander’s life with good restriction. Restriction is a total mystery to most of us. It’s a huge mystery to me. I still get stuck and slime if I eat too fast. I also get full really fast if I follow the rules. For example, yesterday I ate one veggie burger, no bread with mustard on it. I was full. And remained satiated for over 4 hours. It still amazes me that I can still have any kind of restriction.

Well, the first phase of my plastic surgery is in 28 days. December 2nd will be the day. I’ll post from Mexico and try to get some pictures posted, if I can. I want to share my experience with all of those who might be awaiting their turn to have plastics. For me, this phase ISN’T for cosmetic reasons, it’s totally for functionality. My panni is so heavy that it causes my back to ache. I wear belly binders, I wear spanx, I wear anything that might help, but after working a 12 hour shift at the hospital, I can hardly stand the pain. I’m having a Tummy Tuck. My arms are the worst that most have ever seen. I’m also having a brachioplasty. They are over 30 inches long! When I got banded they measured much less, but as I lose more and more weight the longer they get. They are dreadful. Now when I’m swimming my laps, they hit me with each stroke. Not only that, but I must wear much larger sized blouses because I can’t fit in the size I’m supposed to be in. My scrub tops are 4xl. My pants are 1xl. Ugly, just plain Ugly!

Last month, I had my recumbent cycle moved to my bedroom, since I’m in the process of packing to move, my poor cycle was in the middle of lots of boxes and not so fun to ride. Now it sits near my only TV and I can watch and ride. I’ve been challenging myself to ride 500 miles in 30 days. So far, I am on track. I’d like to strengthen my legs since I’ll be using them more than usual after my surgery. By moving the cycle to my bedroom, I had to move my mirror across the room. Now, I see myself in the mirror almost constantly when I’m in bed. Not a pretty vision, I must say.

Anyway, I digress. Flashbacks. My paternal grandmother was a large little woman. I say little, because she wasn’t very tall. She had probably been much heavier as a younger woman, but as she aged, she lost weight - thus causing her to have a lot of excess skin. Her arms looked like mine do now. My little brother used to tell her that when he grew up, he’d become a doctor and cut all of that extra skin off and make her beautiful. I remember she’d laugh and say, how much she’d appreciate that. I loved my grandma. She was so soft and fluffy. I remember her big arms wrapping around my tiny body as she gave me warm grandma hugs. People have told me forever that I resemble her. I knew it was because I was obese. But now, each time I look in the mirror, I see her and her body. My excess skin looks just like hers did. It makes me sad. Sad that she lived in that body her entire life. Sad that she didn’t have the chance to have surgery to “cut all that skin off” and look normal. Sad, because I wondered what her body did to her self esteem. I know what it’s done to mine.

I think of my grandma daily. I remember how I loved her. I loved her heart. I loved her spirit.

I know how important “being normal” is to me. I think about my surgery and I think about the risk I’m taking - and I know with all of my heart that I am okay with that risk. For once in my adult life, I am working toward a healthy and ‘normal’ body. It’s important to me to know what it feels like to not be different. I wish I could have given that to my grandma. Just once.

November 5, 2009 | Filed Under My Everyday Life

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Men!

I’ve always been quite distressed over the philosophy that the Obese women of this society are of less value and don’t deserve to be unconditionally loved. Why?

I’ve thought a lot about this lately. I know that being an obese woman - I am viewed quite differently by most men. I am devalued. Since losing weight (I’m still not at goal) I have seen how men treat me differently. Total strangers flirt with me. Some of them actually take the time to ask for my phone number or give me theirs. Amazing! Scary, at times. Recently a man offered me his home phone number and asked me to call him. He said he’d love to take me to dinner. Me? Well, why not?

He was an attractive gentleman. As I recalled the story to a friend of mine, I felt sad that I had mentioned his looks. Did the fact that an attractive man thought enough of me to ask for my number make the story better? Did that say that I was more valued? To me, I would have been just as flattered if an unattractive man had asked. But would I have mentioned that part of the story to my friend? As I related the story to another, the first question out of her mouth was, “what did he look like?” “Oh!” - I thought, “why would that matter?” However, it does.

As I thought further about this encounter with the attractive man, I got a little upset. Angry, perhaps. Just a year or so ago, men didn’t even recognize I existed. Men rarely opened doors for me. They rarely smiled at me and they certainly NEVER asked for my phone number. AND I’m sure the thought of me having their number would have sent them into a frenzy. The mere thought of a Morbidly Obese woman calling them would have grossed them out.

Sure, attraction has something to do with that. Many men do not find Obese women sexually attractive. However some do. Those men haven’t ever lived in my town. I’m not sure there are many of them. Maybe 2 or 3 exist on this planet. I’m pretty sure I’ve never met one.

But what about friendship? Am I not worthy of friendship, because of the number on my scale? Perhaps, I’m not worthy because if we should ever go out in public, others would stare and wonder what bet he had lost to have to accompany that woman. It’s all negative.

I heard it frequently during my marriage. My ex-husband is attractive and many times I would hear the comments - “Wow, he’s good-looking.” “That’s your husband?” (NO! I just said that to see your response - my real husband is the troll under the I-40 bridge! Does that make more sense to you?)

Recently, I was watching a program on Cable about the World’s Fattest Man. (Fat isn’t a nice word, so I’ll call him - The World’s Fluffiest Man.) Okay, this man who hasn’t left his home in over 5 years and who at one time weighed more than a Ton got married. I think for him, this is wonderful. I wish him many years of happiness. BUT it made me stop and think - a woman would be willing to marry The Fluffiest Man in the World - but a man wouldn’t even consider dating a woman who might be ten pounds overweight. Dating? They wouldn’t be willing to give them some type of consideration and maybe open the door for them.

I would be willing to date an obese man. I have, actually, dated several. I am able to look past the looks - the fluffier than most exterior - and look at the heart. Is he sweet? Is he spiritual? Does his mind stimulate my mind? Does he make me laugh? Do I make him happy? Do we have things in common? These things matter to me. I don’t really care what his exterior looks like. As we all age, we will all lose the good looks, we’ve been blessed with, anyway. And in the end, it’s the heart, soul and mind of that person that truly matters.

So why doesn’t my heart, soul and mind matter most?

“Some people, no matter how old they get, never lose their beauty - they merely
move it from their faces into their hearts.” … Martin Buxbaum

October 9, 2009 | Filed Under My Everyday Life

Learning to Love and Forgive Myself~

I remember watching, an Oprah episode once. The guest host was someone who was obese. She talked about loving and being proud of what she was, but not loving or being proud of who she was. As I listened to her words, the tears flowed. That is exactly how I have felt for years. I am so proud of being a respected Neonatal Nurse. I’m proud of the education I’ve obtained. I’m proud of my accomplishments. I’m proud of being a good Mom and Woman. For being the best at what I do, I am not ashamed.

But in the dark hours of the night - before drifting off to dream - I am ashamed of who I allowed myself to become. An obese woman, a woman who weighed more than two average sized men. A woman who couldn’t sit in an airplane without a belt extender. A woman who felt and still feels the pain of strangers’ and even worse, those who are not strangers’ — judging eyes.

When I decided to get the Lap Band, I made a decision to start loving myself again. It’s easier said than done. After 30 years of hating myself, the love doesn’t come easily. Passing a mirror and seeing my reflection after stepping out of the shower doesn’t help. The more weight I lose, the more I see the result of many many years of being Morbidly Obese. My body looks like it is melting. My skin has not gone back to it’s original position. Everything looks deflated.

How does one start loving themselves again? When you love yourself, you’ll be kind to yourself, you’ll exercise, eat well and strive to do the best you can to reach your goals. Because you start believing that you deserve good in your life. You deserve to be proud of who you are - you deserve to have others love you. Loving yourself means forgiving yourself. I need to start forgiving myself now - forgiving myself for gaining all of those pounds, forgiving myself for existing at that weight for 30 years - forgiving myself for not being able to lose the weight AND keep it off without the help of the Lap Band. I do deserve to love myself, forgive myself and be happy.

Waking each morning - recommitting myself to ME, is a way of loving myself. Planning my meals, preparing them early before hunger hits and taking the time to get 30 mins of exercise in each morning and evening is a way to Love Myself. Turning the negative conversations in my head to positive ones - yes, I had to get a Lap Band to lose weight permanently - that’s not anything to be ashamed of. I should be proud that I recognized the need and sought assistance. I need to stop seeing my deflated body as a negative - it’s the results of many poor choices, but it’s also something that can be fixed - with plastics. More than anything - who am I on the inside - due to being obese all of those years. Am I a more sympathetic, loving and tolerant person? I think I am. I hope I am….

October 9, 2009 | Filed Under My Everyday Life

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Another Yummy~

Another yummy for me is the Sargento Ultra Thin Cheese Slices.

Sam’s Club sells it - 75 ultra thin slices - Variery 3-Pack.

Provolone, Mild Cheddar and Swiss. Each ultra thin slice is between 30 to 35 calories each and less than 3 grams of fat for each. They are very thin, but if you put them on top of your sandwich in the toaster oven and melt them, they taste like you’ve got a lot of cheesy goodness!

That’s Sargento Ultra Thin Cheese Slices!

Try ‘em! They are so good!

September 21, 2009 | Filed Under My Everyday Life