Living with the scars of obesity
The inner scars and the outer scars of obesity are with us for a lifetime.
I am still healing from my plastic surgery procedures. I don’t heal well. I never have. I don’t keloid, but my scars are always discolored. Ugly. As I was looking at the scars on my arms - I could see the difference with the area that I’ve used the silicone scar treatment strips and where I haven’t. The silicone strips are helping fade the discoloration and flatten them a little bit.
I thought about my inner scars. The scars that come with living a life of being the outcast of society. The scars that come from hearing even your loved ones tell you that they are ashamed of you. I guess they didn’t realize when you’re obese, no one can be more ashamed of you - than you are of yourself. We are the ones who wake up every morning and face that round face and fluffy body in the mirror. Perhaps we could live with the visual but it’s the scars that come with being verbally assaulted each time we left our homes or worse yet, being verbally assaulted in our own homes that last a life time.
I wondered if there were silicone strips that could take those inner scars and lighten them. I have often felt that true love can heal anything. True love can perform miracles. This is very true. What would happen if a person like myself found someone who looked upon me with eyes of love and not eyes of judgment? What if that same man was sincerely in love with me - not for my sad and very unattractive body, but for the heart that kept my very blood pumping? Would that love lighted my scars? Would that love make me love myself again?
I don’t really mind the scars on the outer surface of my body. Don’t get me wrong, I do wish I didn’t have them. I wish I had never gained so much weight and I wish my body didn’t show the years of abuse. But it does and the scars that I receive from plastic surgery reconstruction - well in my mind are worth it. I will never be perfect, but I will be improved.
My heart will never be perfect, but I believe with lots of true love and acceptance - it WILL be improved.
Surely, true love is a miracle.
Who moved the finish line?
I wrote an entry a while back about the funny California Cow commercials and how one of them asked during a race, “who moved the finish line?” — Well as I near the finish line of this weight loss journey - I find myself asking the same. Who did move the finish line? It seems the closer I get - the further away it is.
I am so close, I can taste it - no pun intended. Absolutely no pun intended! I’ve been trying to stay on track and follow my own rules of eating right and working out. It hasn’t been easy lately. Life gets in the way sometimes and the best laid plans of mice and formerly obese women in their 40’s - don’t always happen.
It’s okay, I remain undaunted. A bit weary at times and very anxious to start maintenance, but alas undaunted.
I realized a long time ago, the journey is the adventure it’s not the destination. (also another entry from the past) — it’s living the life day to day and learning with each new day how to make things happen in the way they should. It’s accepting the things I cannot change and changing those I can. It’s forming new habits to replace the old - tired and very worn out ones that got me to where I was. It’s finding my happiness in the simple things that have brought me good health. Whether it’s reaching that milestone or increasing the intensity of a workout and finding that I still need to go further to reach my 10. It’s finding a new recipe for an old favorite - a new and healthier version that will feed my body and not my hips. It’s looking in the mirror and feeling pleased with the face that looks back. It’s realizing that I am a good person - not because of what the scale says, but because I have gone that extra mile to do something nice for someone - out of the goodness in my heart and not for what I will receive in return. Perhaps it’s going an entire day and not degrading myself with toxic thoughts or remarks about how bad my newly deflated body looks.
The finish line hasn’t moved. It’s me - a bit impatient, a bit exhausted and very anxious who just sees it in the far off distance.
I’ll get there - one bite at a time…
Learning to live without the Band~
What?! Why?
I guess, I’m a little different in my thinking than most WLS patients, but since reaching my 100lbs loss, after getting my LapBand - I’ve been trying to learn to live without my Band. I had a lot of guilt feelings related to getting the LapBand. I knew others felt that I could have done this on my own, BUT now after two years of being the owner of a 14ml AP Band - I can honestly say that I wouldn’t have made it this far without it. I see friends who have lost large amounts of weight within the last couple of years who have all gained it back and more. This makes me very sad for them. They did it on their own - and I was proud of them. I was envious of them and I appaulded their efforts and success. I still appauld their success, but I also mourn their failure. I don’t view them as failures, I view them as human. As real life people with an addiction to food. I am sad. I know that addiction well. And because of that addiction, I knew I had to take the drastic measure of getting a LapBand to get to my goal. It worked and I have been successful, But in the “getting” - the “journey” I learned about myself. I learned why I overate and when. I learned that I am addicted and I learned that I can and will be able to keep this weight off this time.
I know as a nurse, I start our discharge planning the day my patient is admitted. I started my life plan - the day I got the Band. I needed to learn how to eat and live my life - with and without the Band. Somehow evern from the beginning, I believed I couldn’t rely on the band to keep my weight off for the rest of my life. I had to learn how to make good choices - not because those choices were right, BUT because I DESERVED those good choices. I deserve to be healthy and happy and normal. I deserve to love myself because I am lovely. Inside first and foremost and outside finally.
Life goes on… with or without the LapBand, I am ready to live my life.
One day at a time - one bite at a time - one step forward, never stepping backward,
it’s my time!
(I invite others with the LapBand to start now to learn how to live as if the LapBand wasn’t present. Make choices because they are good and sound choices, not because the LapBand demands them. — You deserve to be good to yourself! Now is the time!)
See what others see~
Please forgive me for not posting for such a long time. I returned from Mexico after having my plastic surgery and have been dealing with a broken heart. As old as I am and after being married for so long, you would think that I would be able to deal - gracefully with a broken heart. But, alas, I have been pathetic. So I ask your forgiveness for not taking the time to post.
Lots has happened with my weight loss experience. I have lost quite a bit more weight post plastics. I had read after returning that if you have a lot to lose pre plastics - your metabolism will “kick into gear” post plastics and help you lose a bit without much effort. I found this to be true in my case. The weight seemed to melt off of me. I can now proudly say that I AM NOT THE FATTEST PERSON IN THE ROOM! Yippie!
I am complimented daily by people I haven’t seen in a while. I hear people say things like, “Hey Skinny and Wow you have lost so much I don’t recognize you!” I know they are just really good liars, but perhaps, there is some truth to their comments, that I just don’t want to believe. I see myself in the mirror and am shocked often times. I am noticing that clothes fit me and I actually feel good about showing my new figure off. It’s fun to put on a lacy bra with matching undies and wear them when I’m just making a simple trip out. Only I know how sexy I look underneath my clothes - clothes that now unfortunately appear too large. But there is a sweetness knowing that I am wearing something sexy underneath. Perhaps, only a woman like me could appreciate that. Perhaps not.
I’ve noticed that now that my tummy isn’t so “long” - (for lack of a better word) and it’s flat - I can pull my pants up where they belong AND all of the pants are too short. It’s a real bummer! I’ve even had several people tell me, “I never realized you were so tall.” Hmmm, an optical illusion? When you’re as wide as I was, maybe it looked like I was much shorter than I was. I don’t know, but I know I will have to purchase the Tall version of pants from now on. I’m not sure what my inseam is - it’s one measurement I haven’t taken, but maybe I should. I’ve measured everything else! Argh! BTW my head hasn’t shrunk a bit! Still as big as ever! BUT with the smaller version of my body - my head appears even more ginormous! Another optical illusion? “Hey does this body make my head look big?” “Only as big as it is!!!”
I remember my daughter asking her father once when she was 13 years old - “Pops do these pants make my butt look big?” Most men know they have to tread lightly on this one - it’s a land mine out there when that question is asked - but her father - he just responded with ease - “the pants make your butt look only as big as it is.” Yikes! I thought I’ve got to teach this man how to respond.
So just recently I emailed him my current picture and asked him, “Does this body make my head look big?” He called me and said, “I think you look beautiful.” Wow! Who would have thought that response was coming? Not me!
After losing massive amounts of weight - do we see what others see? Did I think I looked beautiful in that silly picture? No, I did, however, think my boobs looked larger than usual. And I certainly felt my head was ginormous, BUT beautiful, NOT. Do I or will I ever see myself as beautiful or skinny? I long for that day. I crave it. My yearnings are palpable! I want to be skinny and beautiful . Why? How did I go from wanting to be a healthy - normal weight to wanting to be skinny and beautiful? Does one equal the other? If I’m skinny does that mean I’m beautiful? If I’m beautiful does that mean I must be skinny?
Seriously, in my mind - one does not equal the other. Yes, I would love to be considered beautiful - especially after my recent heartbreak - I’d like to not feel ugly and fat. But I will forever, believe that beauty comes from the inside. It’s the sweetness that the person offers life. It’s the kindness of a man or a woman who thinks of others first and themselves second. It’s the love of a good and decent human being who will lend a hand to help another carry their heavy load. For me, that is true beauty. And whether that person is fluffy or not so fluffy - they are truly lovely.
Taking that into consideration - do we see what others see?
The Journey Continues…
My journey continues. In one week from today, I will be in Monterrey Mexico preparing for the first phase of my plastic surgery. I know I am not at goal yet, but I need to get two procedures done to help with my mobility. I swim often and my “bat wings” are becoming more and more bothersome, limiting my swimming ability. I also deal with a lot of lower back pain due to my large and very heavy lower tummy. These are ugly issues that need to be addressed prior to reaching my goal. I am well aware that revisions will need to be made after I reach goal and I am totally okay with that. It’s important to be more active and after these two procedures, I believe I will be. I’ll be having a Brachioplasty and Abdominoplasty.
My journey to good health continues and I’ve reaped quite a few benefits since starting January 29, 2008. My cholesterol studies are remarkable. Even on Lipitor, I was not able to get such excellent values. There are so many NSV’s I can’t even begin to mention them all.
I guess, the best part is the feeling of being accepted. I flew out of town last month and as I was sitting in the window seat, I was amazed that someone asked to sit in the middle seat. Most of the time, people will look and pass. I’d be the last person, they would want to sit next to. There were plenty of open seats, but yet this man asked if he could sit next to me. Believe me, I looked around after he sat down. I thought, surely, this must be the last seat available. As silly as it sounds, I got teary.
It’s important for all of us to feel accepted. We need to know that society doesn’t look at us with disgust. As an obese woman, I always felt so ugly and so unworthy of love or acceptance. Society teaches us to feel that way. We notice as people pass us - the expression of disbelief - “How can anyone be that big?” It means a lot to feel that I no longer stand out in a crowd as the ‘fat freak’ -
Maybe I can stand out in a crowd now for a different reason…
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Hi! Who am I?
My name is Dee. I’m a Mother of one. -
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- brianna: I found your blog from searching for patients of Dr. Sauceda… I just have to say how much you’re...
- dee: I think that is what makes the Band an excellent tool. It’s most of the time, forgiveable! You can mess up...
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