Having flashbacks~

Where do I begin? As you all know, I’ve lost quite a bit of weight since being Banded. My last fill was in December 2008, however, I’ve been living the Bander’s life with good restriction. Restriction is a total mystery to most of us. It’s a huge mystery to me. I still get stuck and slime if I eat too fast. I also get full really fast if I follow the rules. For example, yesterday I ate one veggie burger, no bread with mustard on it. I was full. And remained satiated for over 4 hours. It still amazes me that I can still have any kind of restriction.

Well, the first phase of my plastic surgery is in 28 days. December 2nd will be the day. I’ll post from Mexico and try to get some pictures posted, if I can. I want to share my experience with all of those who might be awaiting their turn to have plastics. For me, this phase ISN’T for cosmetic reasons, it’s totally for functionality. My panni is so heavy that it causes my back to ache. I wear belly binders, I wear spanx, I wear anything that might help, but after working a 12 hour shift at the hospital, I can hardly stand the pain. I’m having a Tummy Tuck. My arms are the worst that most have ever seen. I’m also having a brachioplasty. They are over 30 inches long! When I got banded they measured much less, but as I lose more and more weight the longer they get. They are dreadful. Now when I’m swimming my laps, they hit me with each stroke. Not only that, but I must wear much larger sized blouses because I can’t fit in the size I’m supposed to be in. My scrub tops are 4xl. My pants are 1xl. Ugly, just plain Ugly!

Last month, I had my recumbent cycle moved to my bedroom, since I’m in the process of packing to move, my poor cycle was in the middle of lots of boxes and not so fun to ride. Now it sits near my only TV and I can watch and ride. I’ve been challenging myself to ride 500 miles in 30 days. So far, I am on track. I’d like to strengthen my legs since I’ll be using them more than usual after my surgery. By moving the cycle to my bedroom, I had to move my mirror across the room. Now, I see myself in the mirror almost constantly when I’m in bed. Not a pretty vision, I must say.

Anyway, I digress. Flashbacks. My paternal grandmother was a large little woman. I say little, because she wasn’t very tall. She had probably been much heavier as a younger woman, but as she aged, she lost weight - thus causing her to have a lot of excess skin. Her arms looked like mine do now. My little brother used to tell her that when he grew up, he’d become a doctor and cut all of that extra skin off and make her beautiful. I remember she’d laugh and say, how much she’d appreciate that. I loved my grandma. She was so soft and fluffy. I remember her big arms wrapping around my tiny body as she gave me warm grandma hugs. People have told me forever that I resemble her. I knew it was because I was obese. But now, each time I look in the mirror, I see her and her body. My excess skin looks just like hers did. It makes me sad. Sad that she lived in that body her entire life. Sad that she didn’t have the chance to have surgery to “cut all that skin off” and look normal. Sad, because I wondered what her body did to her self esteem. I know what it’s done to mine.

I think of my grandma daily. I remember how I loved her. I loved her heart. I loved her spirit.

I know how important “being normal” is to me. I think about my surgery and I think about the risk I’m taking - and I know with all of my heart that I am okay with that risk. For once in my adult life, I am working toward a healthy and ‘normal’ body. It’s important to me to know what it feels like to not be different. I wish I could have given that to my grandma. Just once.

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November 5, 2009 | Filed Under My Everyday Life

Comments

2 Responses to “Having flashbacks~”

Zazzy on November 5th, 2009 8:52 am

When I first started this journey, I said I wasn’t going to get all wired up over a little loose skin. After all, loose skin was better than skin all puffed out by fat. Now that I’m 147 pounds into my weight loss, I’m becoming really self conscious of that skin, particularly on my arms. My insurance will probably pay to have the tummy surgery done since I also need to have an umbilical hernia fixed and to do that right, the surgeon says we need to take the loose skin off too. But I doubt they’ll be interested in helping pay for the brachioplasty and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to afford that. Maybe I will just wear long sleeves the rest of my life!

I’m glad that we at least have the option of having that skin removed. My mom’s mother was very self conscious about her body, too, and I wish she had had the options we do. I wish you the best in your surgery and a speedy recovery.
dee on November 6th, 2009 1:01 am

Congrats on your weight loss! Wow! You’ve done really well. Are you almost at goal? I wish my insurance would cover my procedures, but they have a total exclusion for anything related to plastics. No exception! Since I have the family history of Malignant Hyperthermia, I’d have to have my procedure at a hospital and that would increase the cost to well over $40K! I just cannot afford that! I feel finding my surgeon as I have has been a real blessing. It’s funny because I had to go out and buy some sleeveless shirts for post op days. I had no one in my closet! With my “batwings” I would have never worn a sleeveless blouse. Some women have the guts to wear what they want, I do not. I’m very embarrassed of my arms. Anyway, I found the prettiest babydoll sleeveless blouses at Old Navy for 99cents. I was thrilled. I know the scars are going to be really ugly but right now, I’m okay with that. My friend just had a TT with the Anchor cut and her surgeon found a hernia and fixed it for no charge. Nice guy! Thanks for you comment! It’s nice to see you again!

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