Want it? Take it! OWN IT~

My new motto in life is “Want It? Take It! Own It.”  - well at least until just recently, it’s been my motto only in relation to calories.

For almost two years I’ve logged every calorie consumed - which doesn’t always mean I was good at keeping my calories within my budgeted amount.  Often times, unfortunately, I am sad to admit, I was overbudget. 

The LapBand doesn’t control what I eat, necessarily, with the exception of really really dry proteins!  Ouch!  If I chew slowly and I take those smaller bites, I can eat most foods.  Actually, the foods that go down the easiest are the foods that are the worst for me.  Cookies and chips are my slider foods.  I can’t be in the same room with a tortilla chip.  And cookies and I - well, we go way back.  We’ve been best buds for years. (or not!)

Recently, I had to cancel attending a party because it was going to be held at a Mexican resturant that serves the most amazing, fresh hot tortilla chips.  I knew I would have absolutely no strength to withstand that temptation.  (it was that time of the month when the hormones scream for the salty enemy)

Not far from my work there is a little place called, “The Cookie Company.”  They have these amazing cookies.  They taste like granola baked into the form of a cookie.  A really big cookie!  They make them all day long, they are hot and soft and yummy!  Everytime I’m on the freeway and I pass that exit, I have to use all of my power to not exit and drive directly to that little joint.

So why am I posting this?  Not to make your mouth water, but to say, we are all human.  We all have cravings.  We all have certain foods that tempt us beyond belief.  I often wondered if thin people had those same cravings.  Maybe not for chips and fresh, hot, soft cookies, but for anything.  Do they go through life avoiding the foods that drive them nuts?  (oh Nuts!  I love Nuts too!) 

If you looked at their waistlines, you might think they never eat anything besides fruit, veggies and lean proteins.  You might just assume they have more strength than Superman or Wonder Woman. 

Perhaps, they do.  OR perhaps, they don’t make a regular diet of giving into their cravings.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that every thin person is really good at avoiding all the bad foods.  I have friends who eat their weight in goodies and never gain a pound.  Those people are just extremely fortunate and I secretly hate them!  (not really, but I do envy them!) 

I readily admit that during my fluffy years (I’m going to refer to my past M.O. life that way now. “the fluffy years”)  I often did make bad foods my steady diet.  Why? Well, I always had this, “manana” attitude.  “I’ll eat today because I’m starting that ultimate diet tomorrow.”  Usually, the diet was supposed to commence on Monday.  Usually it did not.  But often times, I felt I better enjoy my meals because I was sure to be starving as soon as Monday rolled around.  Did I?  No, most likely I never did reach the starving stage -  actually pretty sure I never did - I had a BMI of 65 afterall. 

So what has changed in my thinking now that will keep me from gaining all the weight I’ve lost and keep me on the losing track?  My new motto - Want It?  Take It!  but OWN IT!  Log it!  Write it down!  Admit it!  AND then make up for it by decreasing your calories later in the day or increasing your workout.  If I want a cookie, I eat half of it and I log it!  I count my chips if I want to eat chips.  I know, I know that sounds obsessive, BUT did you know that a full serving of chips is only 14?  14 chips!  Count them!  How many of us sit down and eat 14 chips?  Not me!  But I do now.  AND if I decide I want more.  I count out another 7 and log in 1.5 servings of chips. 

What about the rest of my life?  If I see something I want, do I take it?  Do I then own the decision, whether good or bad? 

I’m going to Mexico for my plastic surgery.  Many may think I’m not thinking this one through.  Perhaps, they are not right.  But after losing the weight I’ve lost, I know I will never have the money to have all of my surgery done in the US.  However, I must be quite honest in saying, I did NOT choose Mexico because of the price.  I chose Mexico because of the surgeon.  I have several friends who have had many procedures done by him and they look amazing.  His incisions are straight, they are done in a manner in which they can be hidden by regular clothing and lastly, he is an artist.  He takes hours marking a new patient prior to surgery.  Hours!  It’s important to him that you’re happy with your result.  He’s realistic and admits perfection is not possible for someone who has lost a lot of weight and has a lot of excess skin, but improvement is.  I also chose him because he specializes in plastic surgery of the WLS patient.  We are a different breed.  Our skin has been stretched beyond normal and it needs to be handled differently.  I made my choice, I saw his work, I wanted it, I took it and now my friends I’m going to own it.  Good or bad, I’m hoping and praying for good, I own my decision. 

November 27, 2009 | Filed Under Assistance on your journey

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The Journey Continues…

My journey continues.  In one week from today, I will be in Monterrey Mexico preparing for the first phase of my plastic surgery.    I know I am not at goal yet, but I need to get two procedures done to help with my mobility.  I swim often and my “bat wings” are becoming more and more bothersome, limiting my swimming ability.  I also deal with a lot of lower back pain due to my large and very heavy lower tummy.   These are ugly issues that need to be addressed prior to reaching my goal.  I am well aware that revisions will need to be made after I reach goal and I am totally okay with that.  It’s important to be more active and after these two procedures, I believe I will be.   I’ll be having a Brachioplasty and Abdominoplasty.

My journey to good health continues and I’ve reaped quite a few benefits since starting January 29, 2008.  My cholesterol studies are remarkable.  Even on Lipitor, I was not able to get such excellent values.  There are so many NSV’s I can’t even begin to mention them all. 

I guess, the best part is the feeling of being accepted.  I flew out of town last month and as I was sitting in the window seat, I was amazed that someone asked to sit in the middle seat.  Most of the time, people will look and pass.  I’d be the last person, they would want to sit next to.   There were plenty of open seats, but yet this man asked if he could sit next to me.  Believe me, I looked around after he sat down.  I thought, surely, this must be the last seat available.  As silly as it sounds, I got teary. 

It’s important for all of us to feel accepted.  We need to know that society doesn’t look at us with disgust.  As an obese woman, I always felt so ugly and so unworthy of love or acceptance.  Society teaches us to feel that way.  We notice as people pass us - the expression of disbelief - “How can anyone be that big?”  It means a lot to feel that I no longer stand out in a crowd as the ‘fat freak’ -

Maybe I can stand out in a crowd now for a different reason…

November 25, 2009 | Filed Under My Everyday Life

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Lap Band Failures~

I felt the need to post something about Lap Band failures. 

I want everyone to know that the Lap Band is the most difficult WLS available.  You must be willing and able to listen to your body’s cues.  If you are a grazer or a sweet eater, you will have more trouble being successful.  A grazer can easily bypass the Lap Band and overeat.   Believe me, I’ve done it.  On vacation, we tend to snack and not eat an entire meal.  At the end of the day, I’ve consumed twice the calories and have had no problem bypassing my Lap Band. 

Some have a “soft stop” others do not.  I am fortunate to be one who has a “soft stop” — my nose runs when I’m full.  If I stop at that point, I won’t overeat and will still be satiated for my 4 to 5 hours.  Believe me, this is not easy.  It’s easy to ignore it.  When the meal tastes really good, I don’t want to stop.  For example, two days ago, I made the best 4 bean, veggie chili.  Wonderful spicy New Mexican chili with lots of lentils, pintos, kidneys and butterbeans (I know, bizarre!) and every veggie you could think of.  Lots of garlic and onions made it even tastier!  I cooked it all day in the crock pot.  As I was eating my cup of chili, my nose started running almost with my first bite.  I told myself, “it’s the hot chili”  — and I kept on eating.  I ate the entire serving and wanted more.  I took another spoonful and ate that too.  I was miserable.  Why?  After all this time, would I overeat?  I know better! 

We’re human.  We’re food addicts - or at least I am a food addict.  And it’s hard to walk away from something that tastes really good.  My mistake was going back to the kitchen and taking that other spoonful.  I should have stopped myself.  Thus is the problem with the Lap Band.  It is not a going to stop me.  Sure, it will make me feel too full and that’s not a good feeling… like after eating a huge Thanksgiving meal.  But it doesn’t stop me prior to my consumption. 

I have several really good friends who have been Banded in the last year.  Some haven’t done so well.  In one year, one has lost 24lbs.  She’s sad.  I am sad for her.  She said, “I saw you did so well.”  “Now I know you were obsessed with counting calories.”  I admit it.  I am.  I should have been obsessed 25 years ago!  I would have never reached the weight I did, if I had been.  It’s about time, I become obsessed with being healthy.  

I hear people say it all the time, “I didn’t get the Band to be on a diet.”  I used to say it myself.  I’m sure others can attest to that.  I didn’t.  But dammit, I also didn’t get the Band to fail.   I endured a surgical procedure.  I spent over 85 mins on that OR table under general anesthesia with a BMI of 64.  I was at risk of dying and leaving those I love so much.  So with this Band inside me, I will be obsessed.  I will try my best to follow the rules and I will try to not return for that extra spoonful of chili!  I’m not perfect.  The Band is not easy.  So my advice to anyone thinking of getting Banded, please do your research.  Make sure that your eating habits are ones that the Band will address.  Talk to your doctor and prepare to make some major changes in your life - then prepare to see a new You emerge.  It works if you work it.  But it won’t do all the work without you!

November 6, 2009 | Filed Under Assistance on your journey

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Having flashbacks~

Where do I begin?  As you all know, I’ve lost quite a bit of weight since being Banded.  My last fill was in December 2008, however,  I’ve been living the Bander’s life with good restriction.  Restriction is a total mystery to most of us.  It’s a huge mystery to me.  I still get stuck and slime if I eat too fast.  I also get full really fast if I follow the rules.  For example,  yesterday I ate one veggie burger, no bread with mustard on it.  I was full.  And remained satiated for over 4 hours.  It still amazes me that I can still have any kind of restriction.

 Well, the first phase of my plastic surgery is in 28 days.  December 2nd will be the day.  I’ll post from Mexico and try to get some pictures posted, if I can.  I want to share my experience with all of those who might be awaiting their turn to have plastics.  For me, this phase ISN’T for cosmetic reasons, it’s totally for functionality.  My panni is so heavy that it causes my back to ache.  I wear belly binders, I wear spanx, I wear anything that might help, but after working a 12 hour shift at the hospital, I can hardly stand the pain.  I’m having a Tummy Tuck.  My arms are the worst that most have ever seen.  I’m also having a brachioplasty.  They are over 30 inches long!  When I got banded they measured much less, but as I lose more and more weight the longer they get.  They are dreadful.  Now when I’m swimming my laps, they hit me with each stroke.  Not only that, but I must wear much larger sized blouses because I can’t fit in the size I’m supposed to be in.  My scrub tops are 4xl.  My pants are 1xl.  Ugly, just plain Ugly!

Last month, I had my recumbent cycle moved to my bedroom, since I’m in the process of packing to move, my poor cycle was in the middle of lots of boxes and not so fun to ride.  Now it sits near my only TV and I can watch and ride.  I’ve been challenging myself to ride 500 miles in 30 days.  So far, I am on track.  I’d like to strengthen my legs since I’ll be using them more than usual after my surgery.   By moving the cycle to my bedroom, I had to move my mirror across the room.  Now, I see myself in the mirror almost constantly when I’m in bed.  Not a pretty vision, I must say.

Anyway, I digress.  Flashbacks.  My paternal grandmother was a large little woman.  I say little, because she wasn’t very tall.  She had probably been much heavier as a  younger woman, but as she aged, she lost weight - thus causing her to have a lot of excess skin.  Her arms looked like mine do now.  My little brother used to tell her that when he grew up, he’d become a doctor and cut all of that extra skin off and make her beautiful.  I remember she’d laugh and say, how much she’d appreciate that.  I loved my grandma.  She was so soft and fluffy.  I remember her big arms wrapping around my tiny body as she gave me warm grandma hugs.  People have told me forever that I resemble her.  I knew it was because I was obese.  But now, each time I look in the mirror, I see her and her body.  My excess skin looks just like hers did.  It makes me sad.  Sad that she lived in that body her entire life.  Sad that she didn’t have the chance to have surgery to “cut all that skin off” and look normal.  Sad, because I wondered what her body did to her self esteem.  I know what it’s done to mine. 

I think of my grandma daily.  I remember how I loved her.  I loved her heart.  I loved her spirit. 

I know how important “being normal” is to me.  I think about my surgery and I think about the risk I’m taking - and I know with all of my heart that I am okay with that risk.  For once in my adult life, I am working toward a healthy and ‘normal’ body.  It’s important to me to know what it feels like to not be different.   I wish I could have given that to my grandma.  Just once.

November 5, 2009 | Filed Under My Everyday Life

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