Learning to Love and Forgive Myself~

I remember watching, an Oprah episode once. The guest host was someone who was obese. She talked about loving and being proud of what she was, but not loving or being proud of who she was. As I listened to her words, the tears flowed. That is exactly how I have felt for years. I am so proud of being a respected Neonatal Nurse. I’m proud of the education I’ve obtained. I’m proud of my accomplishments. I’m proud of being a good Mom and Woman. For being the best at what I do, I am not ashamed.

But in the dark hours of the night - before drifting off to dream - I am ashamed of who I allowed myself to become. An obese woman, a woman who weighed more than two average sized men. A woman who couldn’t sit in an airplane without a belt extender. A woman who felt and still feels the pain of strangers’ and even worse, those who are not strangers’ — judging eyes.

When I decided to get the Lap Band, I made a decision to start loving myself again. It’s easier said than done. After 30 years of hating myself, the love doesn’t come easily. Passing a mirror and seeing my reflection after stepping out of the shower doesn’t help. The more weight I lose, the more I see the result of many many years of being Morbidly Obese. My body looks like it is melting. My skin has not gone back to it’s original position. Everything looks deflated.

How does one start loving themselves again? When you love yourself, you’ll be kind to yourself, you’ll exercise, eat well and strive to do the best you can to reach your goals. Because you start believing that you deserve good in your life. You deserve to be proud of who you are - you deserve to have others love you. Loving yourself means forgiving yourself. I need to start forgiving myself now - forgiving myself for gaining all of those pounds, forgiving myself for existing at that weight for 30 years - forgiving myself for not being able to lose the weight AND keep it off without the help of the Lap Band. I do deserve to love myself, forgive myself and be happy.

Waking each morning - recommitting myself to ME, is a way of loving myself. Planning my meals, preparing them early before hunger hits and taking the time to get 30 mins of exercise in each morning and evening is a way to Love Myself. Turning the negative conversations in my head to positive ones - yes, I had to get a Lap Band to lose weight permanently - that’s not anything to be ashamed of. I should be proud that I recognized the need and sought assistance. I need to stop seeing my deflated body as a negative - it’s the results of many poor choices, but it’s also something that can be fixed - with plastics. More than anything - who am I on the inside - due to being obese all of those years. Am I a more sympathetic, loving and tolerant person? I think I am. I hope I am….

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October 9, 2009 | Filed Under My Everyday Life

Comments

2 Responses to “Learning to Love and Forgive Myself~”

Zazzy on October 9th, 2009 9:31 am

I struggle with this, too. One of my axioms for life is to “accept yourself but expect more of yourself.” It’s a hard concept for me to keep my head wrapped around, I’m inclined to slip back into “I’ll accept myself when I’ve accomplished this goal.” The catch 22 is that if you don’t love yourself as you are, why would you put the effort into doing the things that are good for you? I have to work to accept that this is who I am, right here, right now, without judging myself as being less than what I *should* be. When I am really accepting and not beating myself up over things is when I have the most energy to challenge myself to be even better.
dee on October 9th, 2009 3:59 pm

Exactly! Very well said! That’s right! WE need to value ourselves first and foremost so that we challenge ourselves and care for our bodies and minds. We deserve a good and healthy life. I deal a lot with self-loathing. It’s tough!

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