I’m Back on the Flipside~

Well, after expressing my anger on things that I’ve had to deal with in my life - I’ve decided it’s time to look at the positive side. It’s not good to allow myself to get bogged down in the mud of my life. There are so many wonderful things in my life that I am thankful for - and here they are. (I invite others to do the same as I have - voice their anger - outloud - yell it if you have to - but get it out. Then go and address each one of those items and find how you can be thankful for something related to the same issue you were angry for.)

I am Thankful that: after living the last 23 years wishing I was dead rather than be Morbidly Obese, I can now thank God that He allowed me to live. Somedays were a struggle, emotionally and physically, but yet He gave me the strength to make it through. AND He gave me the opportunity to be where I am today. I am very thankful.

I am Thankful that: today, I do value myself. I value myself enough to wake up each and every morning to a new day, to follow my plan of working out and eating right. Each time, I make good choices with my intake and workouts, I am telling Dee how much I value her. I am very thankful for that.

I am Thankful that: I was given the opportunity to give of myself to others. Yes, many times I felt used and certainly there were times when this was true, but other times, I was appreciated and in being appreciated, I found my place in my career and in life. I have some absolutely wonderful friends who recognized that there was a good person hidden under all that fluff! I am thankful for those friends.

I am Thankful that: even though for many years, I didn’t feel I had the relationship with my father that I desired, somehow God changed hearts - his and mine and years before he passed, I was given a special gift of building a long awaited bond with my Dad. I am thankful he opened his heart and we became father and daughter and friends.

I am Thankful that: I am still able to be friends with that man I married 24 years ago and divorced 2 years ago. Through that marriage, we were given a wonderful daughter. I recognize the good in him and his patience with me during my worst years - weight wise. I am thankful for the man he was and the man he has become.

I am Thankful that: I have learned what I could have done differently as a wife. Every marriage that fails - has two people responsible for that failure. It wasn’t all him and it wasn’t all me. But by taking that responsiblity, I am learning how to love better, be better and make a wife that a husband can be proud of. I am thankful for the process of acceptance and learning from that acceptance.

I am Thankful that: I was given one healthy wonderful daughter. I know what it’s like to have the joy of carrying a baby and giving birth to a child that will fill my life with endless joy. Sure, a second and third child would have been sweet, but I was given the best gift of all. A healthy baby girl who has grown into a wonderful young woman. I am thankful for the chance to be a Moma.

I am Thankful that: I am now losing that weight. And of course, my body won’t ever be the same again. The scars of carrying 280 lbs more than I needed will be with me forever - physically and emotionally. But I am a changed person inside because of what I’ve endured. I, hopefully, will never forget how to be non-judgemental of others with weight issues. I am thankful for those scars.

I am Thankful that: there were people, strangers and loved ones who DIDN’T think I was lazy. I was given jobs and doors were opened for my career because people spoke up for me. They trusted me and believed that I would work as hard as I could. Obese or not, there were those who gave me the chance to prove myself. I am thankful for those who accepted.

I am Thankful that: my face is still my face. I remember having Bell’s Palsy years ago and I lost my smile for a month. I remember telling someone, “I am so sad, my smile was my favorite part of my face.” My mouth drooped on the right side and I drooled. It was very sad. I am so thankful my face is still my face - extra skin - yes, but my smile is intact and I can still smile anytime, I want!

I am Thankful that: my daughter accepted me the way I was. I remember when I was going to be banded, she said to me, “I’m scared. I don’t want you to do it.” I told her, “Babe, I’m so sorry you’ve lived all this time with a fat mom, don’t you want me to be like other moms?” She said, “not once! I never wanted you to be any different than you are. I was never ashamed of you. You always made me proud.” Amazing! I am Thankful for a daughter who loved me the way I was - she is so kind and thoughtful of others and I think a lot of that has to do with living all those years with me. She’s very accepting.

I am Thankful that: I can now express my anger. Express it, feel it and move on. I don’t want to be angry for things of the past. I want to learn from them so that I can be thankful for the sweetness I have been granted in this life. We live and we learn and for that I am thankful.

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June 30, 2009 | Filed Under My Everyday Life

Comments

2 Responses to “I’m Back on the Flipside~”

Brandismom on July 28th, 2009 12:58 pm

This post moved me to tears. And I hope to covet your thankfulness enough to emulate you. I need self-acceptance. Thank you for blogging. I plan to go back and re-read every word.
dee on August 1st, 2009 2:26 am

Thanks Sweetie!
I hate being so negative. But there are times when I feel like I just must be honest about the way I feel. For so long, I stuffed those anger feelings and just lived my life. I’m done with that. I need, now, to accept my life, my body and the decisions.
I hope you’re doing well.