“I’d rather be dead than fat!”

Powerful words spoken by a young girl on the Oprah show last week.

I work nights and my alarm goes off around 4pm. I turn Oprah on, as I wake up. That day, I hit my snooze a few times and when I finally woke up enough to turn the tv on, I heard a pretty young woman telling her Mom - “I am angry that I’d rather be dead than fat!” My goodness, the tears began to fall. I couldn’t help it. Those words hit home and they hit home hard.

“I’d rather be dead than fat!” What a staggering thought!

I remembered the evenings I’d leave work after my 12 hour shifts, feeling like I was dying. My feet were killing me, my knees were aching and my back hurt so bad, I could hardly walk.

Atleast once a week someone tells me, “You’re walking so much better now.” I finally asked someone last week, “Wow, how did I walk before?” She said, “like you were in pain.” I wondered - did my face show that much expression? I never realized that. Not even once, did I consider that the entire world could see the pain I was in.

The pain I was in - physical pain. Emotional pain. Living the life of a Morbidly Obese person is agony. Poor agony. Our bodies hurt, our minds hurt and our hearts ache. We know we are ugly and we feel it.

Recently, I’ve been dealing with some anger issues. I’m not the type of person who allows her anger to be known. Usually, it’s hidden. Stuffed inside me! Sometimes, it comes spilling out and the poor recipent is tortured by years of stuffed anger. I am sorry for that person! I hope they have forgiven me.

After years of not allowing myself to express my anger in a healthy manner - I am going to express it today!

Just as that young girl on Oprah expressed -

I am angry that: I lived the last 23 years wanting to die, rather than live the life of a fat person!

I am angry that: I never valued myself enough to stop the madness of overeating!

I am angry that: I gave of myself to others thinking that would make them love me more - instead it just made me feel used.

I am angry that: I had the childhood I had, that my father was the person he was and for many years I didn’t feel he loved me!

I am angry that: I married a man who didn’t love me as I needed or wanted to be loved!

I am angry that: I spent 22 years in that marriage, hoping things would change and trusting over and over again! But now I know that I was part of that needed change! My weight hindered those changes!

I am angry that: I lost two babies and I never had a sibling for my daughter! I wanted another baby so badly!

I am angry that: I gained all the weight that I did and it’s destroyed my body the way it has and even after losing this weight, I will always carry the scars of obesity - inside and out.

I am angry that: People, strangers and loved ones always thought I was lazy.

I am angry that: My pretty face no longer exists - now it’s just a lot of hanging skin!

I am angry that: I put my daughter through a life of having a Morbidly Obese Mom!

I am angry that: I have to be so angry! And I never learned to express it as a child, in a healthy way!

I’m sorry, I’m so angry.

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