I’m Back on the Flipside~

Well, after expressing my anger on things that I’ve had to deal with in my life - I’ve decided it’s time to look at the positive side. It’s not good to allow myself to get bogged down in the mud of my life. There are so many wonderful things in my life that I am thankful for - and here they are. (I invite others to do the same as I have - voice their anger - outloud - yell it if you have to - but get it out. Then go and address each one of those items and find how you can be thankful for something related to the same issue you were angry for.)

I am Thankful that: after living the last 23 years wishing I was dead rather than be Morbidly Obese, I can now thank God that He allowed me to live. Somedays were a struggle, emotionally and physically, but yet He gave me the strength to make it through. AND He gave me the opportunity to be where I am today. I am very thankful.

I am Thankful that: today, I do value myself. I value myself enough to wake up each and every morning to a new day, to follow my plan of working out and eating right. Each time, I make good choices with my intake and workouts, I am telling Dee how much I value her. I am very thankful for that.

I am Thankful that: I was given the opportunity to give of myself to others. Yes, many times I felt used and certainly there were times when this was true, but other times, I was appreciated and in being appreciated, I found my place in my career and in life. I have some absolutely wonderful friends who recognized that there was a good person hidden under all that fluff! I am thankful for those friends.

I am Thankful that: even though for many years, I didn’t feel I had the relationship with my father that I desired, somehow God changed hearts - his and mine and years before he passed, I was given a special gift of building a long awaited bond with my Dad. I am thankful he opened his heart and we became father and daughter and friends.

I am Thankful that: I am still able to be friends with that man I married 24 years ago and divorced 2 years ago. Through that marriage, we were given a wonderful daughter. I recognize the good in him and his patience with me during my worst years - weight wise. I am thankful for the man he was and the man he has become.

I am Thankful that: I have learned what I could have done differently as a wife. Every marriage that fails - has two people responsible for that failure. It wasn’t all him and it wasn’t all me. But by taking that responsiblity, I am learning how to love better, be better and make a wife that a husband can be proud of. I am thankful for the process of acceptance and learning from that acceptance.

I am Thankful that: I was given one healthy wonderful daughter. I know what it’s like to have the joy of carrying a baby and giving birth to a child that will fill my life with endless joy. Sure, a second and third child would have been sweet, but I was given the best gift of all. A healthy baby girl who has grown into a wonderful young woman. I am thankful for the chance to be a Moma.

I am Thankful that: I am now losing that weight. And of course, my body won’t ever be the same again. The scars of carrying 280 lbs more than I needed will be with me forever - physically and emotionally. But I am a changed person inside because of what I’ve endured. I, hopefully, will never forget how to be non-judgemental of others with weight issues. I am thankful for those scars.

I am Thankful that: there were people, strangers and loved ones who DIDN’T think I was lazy. I was given jobs and doors were opened for my career because people spoke up for me. They trusted me and believed that I would work as hard as I could. Obese or not, there were those who gave me the chance to prove myself. I am thankful for those who accepted.

I am Thankful that: my face is still my face. I remember having Bell’s Palsy years ago and I lost my smile for a month. I remember telling someone, “I am so sad, my smile was my favorite part of my face.” My mouth drooped on the right side and I drooled. It was very sad. I am so thankful my face is still my face - extra skin - yes, but my smile is intact and I can still smile anytime, I want!

I am Thankful that: my daughter accepted me the way I was. I remember when I was going to be banded, she said to me, “I’m scared. I don’t want you to do it.” I told her, “Babe, I’m so sorry you’ve lived all this time with a fat mom, don’t you want me to be like other moms?” She said, “not once! I never wanted you to be any different than you are. I was never ashamed of you. You always made me proud.” Amazing! I am Thankful for a daughter who loved me the way I was - she is so kind and thoughtful of others and I think a lot of that has to do with living all those years with me. She’s very accepting.

I am Thankful that: I can now express my anger. Express it, feel it and move on. I don’t want to be angry for things of the past. I want to learn from them so that I can be thankful for the sweetness I have been granted in this life. We live and we learn and for that I am thankful.

June 30, 2009 | Filed Under My Everyday Life

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My Typical Day~

I wrote this on a Lap Band board for a new bander who had some questions about people’s typical days.  I thought I’d share it here.  Let me say, I am not perfect.  I have purged all the bad foods from my home - so when I’m home it’s easier to be good.  However, when I go out I have a much harder time and sometimes my old nature takes over!  Here’s my response to her question on my typical day.

“It’s normal to hit plateaus and I have hit several of them. Each time I do, I return to the pre-op diet of protein and veggies. It makes me go back to the beginning and it kick starts my weight loss. It has worked everytime.

I am currently on a 100 day challenge. I give myself these challenges frequently. I choose an event or a special time in my life to motivate me. My 100 day challenge will bring me to my 18 Month Bandiversary. I am doing 100 workouts and trying to reach a specific goal by the end of the 100 days. I am working out several times a day. I ride my recumbent bike at the highest level for 10 mins - 3 times a day prior to each meal. Then I swim 4 times a week at midnight (I work nightshift) And I am doing Barry’s Bootcamp 6 days a week. (workouts with resistence bands) I’m trying to get my metabolism in gear! It wasn’t easy when I first started and I didn’t do all of this at once, but I started with one workout and added another and then another. The swimming came first, second the cycling and lastly the bootcamp. Now I crave my workouts. When I work and can’t get in as much time, I miss them! It’s becoming a part of my life.

As far as eating is concerned. I have tried it all. After experimenting with different things, I’ve found that I do best with eating a balanced healthy diet that includes all the basic food groups. I don’t eat white sugar, white flour, white pasta or white rice. I also hardly ever eat potatoes. when I do, it’s a treat. (like dessert for me) I’ve learned how to tweak my recipes to include soy and whole grain flour, brown rice, whole grain pasta and sweet potatoes. I prepare all my meals once a week. So the food is ready when I am hungry. I make 7 salads, 7 bowls of yogurt with fresh fruit, 7 bowls of oatmeal with walnuts, and etc.

I eat three meals usually. Breakfast is mostly protein, 1 egg, 1 egg white, feta cheese, asparagus and a Morningstar Veggie Sausage. When I work nights, I’ll have my Oatmeal before leaving for work at 6pm. I always measure my food to 1 cup to 1.5 cups. If it’s oatmeal, it’s 1 cup and if it’s salad it’s 1.5 cups. Salad is so light that I can eat a little more. Lunch is the salad with goat cheese, cucumbers, green olives, jalapeno’s, avocado, grape tomatoes and purple onion. (I recently found this great show “Cook Yourself Thin” so I bought the cookbook at Barnes and Noble) there is a recipe for Low fat Blue cheese dressing made with nonfat plain yogurt, nonfat buttermilk, blue cheese and white pepper. I use that on my salad. It’s so good and so low in calories and fat.

Dinner is usually an Amy’s Bistro burger, a garden burger or a Morningstar Farm Griller on half of a Flat Out Whole Grain Wrap. (50 cals for half) half a slice of cheese and lots of spring mix salad greens (I buy the huge container at Costco - use it for my salads and my wraps). This is plenty.

After I swim at midnight when I come home, I drink a Premier Nutrition Protein Drink (160 cal, 5 carbs, 3 fat, 30 protein) 30 grams of protein is amazing for an 11 oz drink and it’s so good! That’s my day.

I learned on this journey to be prepared, keep it simple and enjoy all foods from all food groups. I rarely get hungry, but when I do, I’ll have a half a banana, peach, strawberries, or other fresh fruit. When I’m working nights, I eat one snack and it’s my yogurt with fresh fruit. I add blueberries and strawberries to nonfat vanilla yogurt (1 cup) and some chopped walnuts or pecans.

All of this comes to between 1100 and 1200 cals a day. 60-90 grams of protein and 30% of total cals from fat. (I log all my food, everyday on www.fitday.com)”

Not that difficult when you plan ahead and remember the simple rule of Band eating, protein first! 

June 28, 2009 | Filed Under My Everyday Life

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“I’d rather be dead than fat!”

Powerful words spoken by a young girl on the Oprah show last week. 

I work nights and my alarm goes off around 4pm.  I turn Oprah on, as I wake up.  That day, I hit my snooze a few times and when I finally woke up enough to turn the tv on, I heard a pretty young woman telling her Mom - “I am angry that I’d rather be dead than fat!”  My goodness, the tears began to fall.  I couldn’t help it.  Those words hit home and they hit home hard. 

“I’d rather be dead than fat!”  What a staggering thought!

I remembered the evenings I’d leave work after my 12 hour shifts, feeling like I was dying.  My feet were killing me, my knees were aching and my back hurt so bad, I could hardly walk. 

Atleast once a week someone tells me, “You’re walking so much better now.”  I finally asked someone last week, “Wow, how did I walk before?”  She said, “like you were in pain.”  I wondered - did my face show that much expression?  I never realized that.  Not even once, did I consider that the entire world could see the pain I was in.

The pain I was in - physical pain.  Emotional pain.  Living the life of a Morbidly Obese person is agony.  Poor agony.  Our bodies hurt, our minds hurt and our hearts ache.  We know we are ugly and we feel it. 

Recently, I’ve been dealing with some anger issues.  I’m not the type of person who allows her anger to be known.  Usually, it’s hidden. Stuffed inside me!  Sometimes, it comes spilling out and the poor recipent is tortured by years of stuffed anger.  I am sorry for that person!  I hope they have forgiven me.

After years of not allowing myself to express my anger in a healthy manner - I am going to express it today!

Just as that young girl on Oprah expressed -

I am angry that:  I lived the last 23 years wanting to die, rather than live the life of a fat person!

I am angry that:  I never valued myself enough to stop the madness of overeating!

I am angry that:  I gave of myself to others thinking that would make them love me more - instead it just made me feel used.

I am angry that:  I had the childhood I had, that my father was the person he was and for many years I didn’t feel he loved me!

I am angry that:  I married a man who didn’t love me as I needed or wanted to be loved!

I am angry that:  I spent 22 years in that marriage, hoping things would change and trusting over and over again!  But now I know that I was part of that needed change!  My weight hindered those changes!

I am angry that:  I lost two babies and I never had a sibling for my daughter!  I wanted another baby so badly!

I am angry that:  I gained all the weight that I did and it’s destroyed my body the way it has and even after losing this weight, I will always carry the scars of obesity - inside and out.

I am angry that:  People, strangers and loved ones always thought I was lazy. 

I am angry that:  My pretty face no longer exists - now it’s just a lot of hanging skin!

I am angry that:  I put my daughter through a life of having a Morbidly Obese Mom!

I am angry that: I have to be so angry!  And I never learned to express it as a child, in a healthy way!

I’m sorry, I’m so angry.

June 28, 2009 | Filed Under My Everyday Life

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No Way?

I think I have found my new addiction…

Weighing myself!

I had to replace the battery AGAIN on my scale!  I wondered, how could that be?  I just replaced it a few months ago.  Perhaps it is because I weigh myself 3 to 4 times a day! 

Odd?  Unusual behavior?  Bad?

Not necessarily!  I went so many years not weighing myself - basically, I couldn’t - I didn’t have a scale that would weigh someone that heavy.  During that time, it was easy to be in denial.  It was easy to believe that there was no way (no pun intended) I’d weigh over 400 lbs!

I would just buy larger and larger clothes and ignore the fact that I possibly could be still gaining weight regularly.  It’s easy to ignore your weight when you really don’t know it.

I remember going to Weight Watchers in 2005 and being absolutely shocked to find out that I weighed so much.  I had no idea!  (seriously, no idea? was I blind?)

I have Band Friends who refuse to weigh themselves.  They believe it’s negative obsessive behavior that causes them to get discouraged and they feel like giving up.  I, on the other hand, feel it motivates me.  It’s a positive obsession for me.  It’s a requirement. 

Well, I gotta go now… I haven’t weighed in about 3 hours!  I’m overdue!

June 16, 2009 | Filed Under My Everyday Life

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Bummer~ Heavy Sigh~ OR NOT!

Periodically, I venture through my closet to go shopping. Shopping in my own closet is fun and very economical. You see, I always had this belief that one day I wouldn’t be fat. I’d lose weight and retrieve my gorgeous figure of my youth (or my grade school years.) So if I ever saw a nice pair of jeans, a pretty blouse or a sexy pair of heels, I bought them. Sure, they wouldn’t have fit, but I had this hope - that one day they would.

On Sunday, I was going through my closet and I found a gathering of “smaller” jeans that I had purchased sometime in my former life. I knew they were there, but in my mind, I knew they must have been some really small sizes and it would take years before they’d fit me. I ignored them everytime I cleared my closet of larger items to donate. Pushing them aside - not even tempted to try them on. I knew one day I’d be the right size and they would fit like magic.

Well, I decided, I’d take those jeans out and see if I could get them past my ankles. Voila! They fit! However, three pairs were too big. Not just slightly too big, but “gigantically” too big. I felt a little sad. I had wasted them. I put them in my big box in the corner I have reserved for my clothing donations and walked away. Turning my back on jeans that I always hoped I’d fit - But now, I don’t…

An odd feeling of sadness… a heavy sigh - and then a sudden feeling of glee~

June 10, 2009 | Filed Under My Everyday Life

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