Are we there yet?

“We’re winning, We’re winning, We’re winning.” — the girl cows were running as fast as they could, then they stopped, “Oh look, Daffodils!” The race was over. From a distance the boy cows were disgusted! One said to the other, “We’ve got to move that finish line.” I love those California Cow commercials! I love cows!

That’s how I feel sometimes. “Oh Daffodils!” I’m distracted by life and want the race to be over. But truly, am I in a race?

Yesterday was my 4 month Bandiversary! I got my second fill. It was a tiny one, but for me it was perfect. I got 0.25mls. Do you know how tiny that is? I used to think it was very tiny until I started working in the NICU. Try giving a 900 gram preemie, 0.25mls of a narcotic and you’ll see it’s about 10x the amount they need AND that overdose could easily result in a bad situation. So it’s actually not such a tiny bit. My BF was there, held my hand, told me not to look down - I drank my water, and happily went on my way. Another Bandster said, “why so little?” She always gets a full 2 mls or more. I didn’t think I needed more. My doc’s office does the drink, add fill, drink some more, subtract fill, drink some more — voila, perfect! After-all, I’m not in a race. I’ve got a long way to go, but I think the trip is going to be just as important as the destination.

Think of going to Disneyland with your family. The car is loaded, there is a big ‘goodie’ bag filled with goodies for the trip – fresh cherries, cashews, cookies, raisins, sunflower seeds (bad memory about sunflower seeds and a trip from NM to California when I was a kid - yuck!)

Anyway, I digress.

The car is ready to roll, you have your pillow and blanket and you’re climbing in the backseat next to your sister and brothers. Your hair is a mess because your Dad insisted you wake up before sunrise to get an early start. What an exciting trip! We’re going to Disneyland, the Happiest Place On Earth! Maybe an hour into the trip, your youngest brother asks, “are we there yet?” — You being the smartest of all the kids, you know, we only just started this long trip. You laugh and tell him, “not yet, Silly.” Eventually, even the smartest of all the kids, gets impatient and those same words come to mind. “how much longer? aren’t we there yet?” In our childish minds, we can’t see the pleasure in just being in this station-wagon with our siblings and parents. We can’t see how enjoyable it is to listen to our voices sing as many songs as we can think of, we can’t see how fun it is to play those silly road-trip games, or how fun it is to have to pee really bad and have your brother tease you and try to make you laugh! (okay, maybe that’s not that fun!)

Many years later, I think back fondly on my childhood road trips. My Mom would take the wheel, my sister rode shotgun and my brothers and I would be in the backseat. We sang, we prayed, we chatted, we laughed, we fought, we cried, pulled each other’s hair, complained that my sister got the front seat (unfair, just because she was oldest!) — but in our childish minds, we only looked forward to the destination. The trip, after-all was about Disneyland. We had new shorts, shoes and a new hat to wear. Our Mom bought us a new swimsuit so we could swim in the hotel’s pool. Now that’s what I call a vacation!

Now, 35 years later, I long for those road-trips with my sibs and Mom. Not the way my sibs are now, they are old and boring, (just kidding Guys!) But the way we were 35 years ago, when we’d laugh our heads off at anything and everything. Our short time at Disneyland or at any other destination was fun, but getting there was a blast.

The innocence of cherishing the destination and not treasuring the journey is over. I can now see the value in the trip. I’ve been obese for a very long time. I’ve been through a lot. I’ve gotten used to being an obese woman. I’m used to living my life that way. It’s me. It’s what I’ve become. I am used to the reactions I get from people. As I change - get smaller - healthier - more energetic, I need to get used to my new norm. My new face, my smaller figure, my more energetic body… people have started telling me how much better I move. I think in my head, “wow, how bad did I move previously.” I know that most days, each step I took hurt. My knees screamed for relief and I was always searching the room for a place to sit down. I don’t feel that way anymore. I can enjoy walking through the mall with my daughter after working all day. That in itself is absolutely amazing! What a change!

The journey to Disneyland with my family, taught me a lot about sharing, about patience and about acceptance. The journey to well-being is teaching me a lot… it’s teaching me how to co-exist with food, with others who eat when I’m not, with people who treat me differently because of the way I look and not out of pity for the way I look.

I can’t help but be grateful for the journey. On this journey, I’ve met some wonderful individuals. Truly loving, supportive and sweet people. People who know my struggles for they were their struggles too.

So for now, I’ll sit back, check my hair in the rear-view mirror, settle in for the long haul and Thank God for another day, another lesson and a new friend!

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